IN MY HEAD (SHORT STORY)

I have always wondered how if I got on the wrong bus no one  will be able to warn me against it or after getting on the right bus if I got off at the wrong stop, no will know. No one knows where I'm going. I could change my mind entirely, get off this bus, cross the street and get on a totally different bus and just go anywhere. I remember a friend of mine who would buy a day's pass, get on any bus and go anywhere the bus takes him. Some people are just adventurous! I look around, the vacant stare on people's face amuses me. That was the only thing they all had in common maybe not the only thing but that was what they were letting on. The woman looks like she was in her mid-30s, the buggy in front her was filled with shopping and had a crying baby in it. She looks everywhere but at the baby. The man with the receding hairline folds the newspaper he is reading, he gives me a smile when his gaze met mine like he really cares. If only he knew, if only.  I get off two stops early and walk the rest of the way. Exercise is paramount! I have said that to myself countless of times but rarely took it seriously. The man in the TV yesterday had said “what the mind can conceive, the body can do”. I walk past the market, it smells fishy. The fruit lady gives me a hopeful glance, I look away.
 

The London weather has made a fool out of me again. I take my jacket off, and sling it over my bag. It made it heavier. Like other days, I feel frantic, only today is worse. I had woken up angry. I remember I had kicked the cat so hard it whimpered.

I walk into the train station glancing at the corner where the guy always sets up his keyboard. I normally see him on my way to the therapist in the afternoon and on my way back late in the evening, singing his heart out, hopeful for donations. How determined! I had hoped he wouldn’t be here today. I can't be reminded of my failure again. I walk up to check the balance on my oyster card, there is a queue. I stay in line. After what seem like forever- no not forever, it isn't that bad actually. Remember, positive thinking! - After what seem like an hour! - Well that is what it seems like to me! I bet my therapist is not always patient himself! - I topped up my oyster. The guy behind me shifted his weight from one foot to the other, a worried frown on his face. Well, calm down!

As I walk past the store, the lady gives me a half smile. I stop dead in my tracks. She looks quite pretty. This is a genuine smile, unlike the fake one I had gotten on the bus. Someone is interested. I have got to go back, and speak to her. But, what if she was only being nice? It doesn’t matter anyways. It’s too late for that now.

I walk up to the platform, and look up to check the time board. The next train arrives in 2 minutes. I look around at the unsuspecting look on people’s face. A minute pass, I count down the seconds 32…31…, and then I hear the screech of the metal track as the train approaches. I feel the gust of hot wind. I take a deep breath, ready. As I start to lurch forward, I see her again! The girl with the smile from the shop! She smiles again. In that split second I change my mind, I regain my balance in time. Sweat pours out from every pore in my skin. I hear the frantic loud thud of my heart.

The heat in the station, and the flock of people made it worse. I look around. These people don't know what they have just missed. I have just saved them from witnessing a suicide! Ungratefully, they push me out of the way as they scramble to get on the already packed train. They could have gone home with a horrific image, a story to share at the dinner table, or in the pub over a glass of beer with friends. How oblivious the world is. I wish I could know what everyone will be doing tonight.

I walk up to my heroine, the lady who saved my life. My fingers are shaking so hard I think they might fall off. I hope she realises that I have just preserved my life for her. She sees me walking towards her, and a look of apprehension crosses her face. She better not ignore me! The stupid bitch smiled at me, enticed me, she better not say no now. My feet feel heavy, I dragged them on.

“Can I help you?”
I keep on looking at her. I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know what to say
“You like me, don't you?”
“Excuse me?” A worried frown creeps up her face.
“I...I don't know, but I think you like me.”
“Well, I thought we might have some things in common”. She looks down at her sneakers.
I uncurl my fingers from a fist, my palm is sweaty. “Yes, we might. Can I have your number? We could go to the cinema.”
She swings gently from side to side. "Ok"

I type in the number on my phone. “I'll call you.” With a smile, I walk off proudly.

See?! Not so bad! This is what ‘believe in yourself’ is all about, right? Blood rush to my fingertips. I look back to find her smiling as she watch me leave. She looks away. It feels like I am walking on springs.

This could be a scene in a film. I have always thought films were over exaggerated, with guys who always knew what to do and girls who were very willing, but maybe not. Life appears to be meaningful. See how much faster life goes with a little bit of decisiveness and courage? I decide to call my therapist immediately, I have decided on what to do with my life. I won’t sulk and wallow in self-pity, or mourn my days of fame. I’ll take acting classes and maybe teach, teach people how to get what they want out of life. Or I could be a motivational speaker! I have decided on what exactly I want. I dial the number, there was no network. Well, I have got to remember to make that call.

I suddenly feel hungry. I had spent all my coins, thinking I won’t be needing any of it again. I’ll go back but I don’t want the lady to see me again, I don’t want to ruin my earlier grand exit, or make her think I’m a maniac stalking her. I didn't even ask for her name! She must think I'm mysterious, the mysterious stranger. She probably doesn't meet guys who confidently walk up to her, asserting their feelings for her every day. I am of a rarer breed now. Life suddenly looks brighter! 

The balance on my account is £602.56. I want it to be a round figure. Everything has to be perfect today. I took the long way to the shop, avoiding the girl. I take a bottle of water, and a pack of crisp. Now I'll have £600 in my account. I walk back to the platform. I am a little late for my session, but it doesn’t matter. It was time spent well.

I hear the heavy thumping of hurried feet behind me, I turn around. A boy was on the run, he looks in his early teens. His red Adidas bag hinders him from moving as fast as he wants, away from the three boys on his heels. One of them has a knife. He runs past me and I turn to make way for the other three approaching boys, but it was too late. I feel a push. I lose my balance. I feel with my feet for the stability of the solid ground. There was nothingness, I reach out to grab the first thing I see, a buggy, and that too was out of reach. Unfortunately, the next train approaches just in time. I hear people scream.